Tag Archives: fear

Full of Anxt

22 Jun

It’s 1:30am and as I see the panic in my son’s eyes I wish there was something I could do to take away his anxiety. As an adult who lives with anxiety, I have developed coping skills to deal with my racing mind and sometimes heart. I know to breathe deeply and remind myself that all is well. How do you teach your child to do the same?

At the young age of 9, it started. Well, in hindsight, I think it started when he was a toddler however it became full-blown at age 9 with the prospect of changing schools in the fall. Sleep became a distant dream on Sunday evenings. School became a place that only caused panic and uneasiness. Did he have to go to school on Monday morning?

From the girl who shared horror stories on the bus ride home if he did not share his iPod, to the cool boys who got mad when he missed the goal or did not kick the ball hard enough during recess soccer, to the super hero movies he so wanted to watch but that caused him increased anxiety…it all took a toll. I wanted to shelter him from it all.

My heart ached for him and we saw his school grades plummet by the end of the school year. What happened to my easy-going son, who engaged in enthusiastic conversation, smiled often and made people laugh. I wanted him to feel happy again and not to worry at such a young age about so many things. I wanted to keep him at his old school where everyone knew his name to call out when he walked past them in the hallway, the teachers and I were on a first name basis from my active volunteering, where the classrooms and staff were familiar.

Changing schools was much more challenging than we ever anticipated. Though he was in the same class as his one of his best friends, he still seemed lost at recess, felt overwhelmed with the larger two-floor school. There was a lack of the use of technology that he loved in his old school. Now school was a boring place where he sat in his seat all day and had to write and print everything in a workbook. It seemed there was little in school that engaged him to want to learn anymore. How sad to find school that boring?! 

We are happy to see the end of this school year because it means no homework struggles every evening, no more tears of frustration over how much of a page he had to fill with sentences. He is higher than normal in the range of anxiety for boys his age. I will not pursue an IEP with further assessment. I will not label him to further increase his anxiety about standing out as different. I will not give him prescription drugs. I simply want him to learn some coping techniques, to learn how to identify the feelings of anxiety, frustration, or worry and use his new skills to relax. Is that too much to ask?

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nightmare or full of meaning

23 Jan

Last night I had a dream some might label a nightmare. In the dream I was the observer, but also the young woman killed. I only remember the last part of the dream in which I saw a dress, my dress, laying on the ground and covered in blood. The dress was neatly laid out, sleeveless, creamy white background with large red flowers, would have come to just above my knees, fitted but not tight, loose but not flowing. Beside the dress was a typed note. As I started to type this description, the text now escaped my memory, but it was something referring to a part of me being killed.

I dream often but not always dreams such as this one. When I do have vivid dreams of someone dying, I wake feeling scared and sometimes so fearful I don’t want to get up to use the washroom. The strange this about last night, I did not wake full of fear but full of questions about the dream. What did it mean? Was it related to the story I am currently reading? What message does the mystery hold for me now?

My thoughts tell me the dream was a message of letting go. There is a need to let go of a part of my younger female self before I can move forward. I also wonder who it was in the dream I felt was trying to kill or get rid of that part of me. Am I killing or stifling a part of my younger self that I need to keep alive?

At the end of the dream, I was looking at a 4″x4″ photograph of the dress and note which lay beside the dress. The photo was the size and bordering you might find on an old black and white picture, however this was a coloured photograph. I still have a clear image in my mind of the dress but cannot see any blood stains on it. I owned a dress like it in style, but never wore the colour red in a floral pattern.

I find my dreams and the dreams of those in my life quite fascinating. I will probably think about the image on and off  during the day until a feeling of knowing settles in. I will know when the meaning of the dream feels right.

Do you have any dreams to share?

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